Saturday Night Live: Sarah Palin Rap

Transcript
JASON SUDEIKIS – 'Good evening, I'm Tim Lydecker Sarah Palin's spokesman and we're very excited to be holding the Governor's first official press conference. Now tonight, nothing is off-limits while at the same time, I urge you guys to 'be cool.' Seriously guys just be cool. And one last thing: no recording devices and don't write anything down.'
(Gathered 'reporters' react)
SUDEIKIS – 'Worth a shot. Can't blame me for trying. Without further ado, I present Governor Sarah Palin.'
(TINA FEY enters as GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN)
FEY AS GOV. PALIN – 'First off, I just want to say how excited I am to be in front of both the liberal elite media as well as the liberal regular media. I am lookin' forward to a portion of your questions, so let's get started. Yes, you?'
FRED ARMISEN (as reporter):
'What were your thoughts on Senator McCain's debate performance Wednesday?'
FEY AS GOV. PALIN --
You know, I just thought he was great. Because the American people are angry. And John McCain is angry too. And you can tell he's angry by the way he sighs and
grits his teeth and he's always goin' like (MAKES FACE AND GROWLING NOISE). And that Barack Obama? Well if he's angry, I certainly can't tell. His voice is smooth and when he's talkin' it's like an angel whispering in your ear. He makes John McCain sound like a garbage truck unloading trash at a landfill. So to answer your question, yes, I think John McCain did great. You guy?
WILL FORTE (as reporter) – 'At a rally in North Carolina this week you said that you like to visit the quote pro-America parts of the country. Are there parts of the country that you consider un-American?
FEY AS GOV. PALIN – Y'know , that was just my lame attempt at a joke. But um, yes – New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Delaware and California (SHE GIVES A THUMBS DOWN). But then also too you have states like Ohio and Pennsylvania and Florida which could be real real anti-American or real real pro-American. It's up to them. (SHE winks) And now I'd like to entertain everybody with some fancy pageant walkin.'
(CUT TO: 'SNL' Executive Producer LORNE MICHAELS and the real GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN standing next to a monitor watching the scene)
MICHAELS – 'I really wish that that had been you.'
GOV. PALIN – 'Well, Lorne, you know, I just didn't think it was a realistic depiction of how one of my press conferences woulda gone.'
MICHAELS – 'Yes, but it's obviously it's a heightened reality.'
GOV. PALIN – 'Why couldn't we do the '30 Rock' sketch I wrote?'
MICHAELS – 'Honestly, not enough people know that show.'
(MARK WAHLBERG ENTERS)
WAHLBERG – 'Hey, Lorne?'
MICHAELS – 'Mark!'
WAHLBERG –I'm looking for Andy Samberg. Where is he?'
MICHAELS – 'Mark, that was all in good fun.'
WAHLBERG -- 'Are you gonna make me bust your head open too? Because I will. Where is he?'
MICHAELS – 'Third dressing room on the left.'
MW – Thank you
(WAHLBERG storms off)
MICHAELS -- He didn't like the impression we did of him on the show.
GOV. PALIN – 'Tell me about it.'
(ALEC BALDWIN enters)
BALDWIN – 'Hey Lorne. Hey, Tina. Lorne, I need to talk to you. You can't let Tina go out there with that woman. She goes against everything we stand for. I mean, good Lord, Lorne, they call her...what's that name they call her? Cari ... Cari -- what do they call her again, Tina?'
GOV. PALIN – 'That'd be Caribou Barbie.'
BALDWIN – 'Caribou Barbie. Thank you, Tina. I mean this is the most important election in our nation's history. And you want her, our Tina, to go out there and stand there with that horrible woman. What do you have to say for yourself?'
MICHAELS – 'Alec, this is Governor Palin.'
GOV. PALIN – 'Hi there.'
BALDWIN – 'I see. Forgive me, but I feel I must say this -- you are way hotter in person.'
GOV. PALIN – 'Why thank you.'
BALDWIN – 'I mean, seriously. I can't believe they let her play you.'
GOV. PALIN – 'Thank you, and I must say that your brother Stephen is my favorite Baldwin brother.'
BALDWIN – 'You are a delight. Now come, let me take you for a tour of the studio. You know, I've hosted the show ... how many times, Lorne?'
LM – 175 times.
(THEY walk away, the scene cuts back to the press conference)
FEY AS GOV. PALIN – 'To answer your question – y'know I don't worry about the polls. Polls are just a fancy way of systematically predicting what's gonna happen. The only pole I care about is the North Pole and that is melting...it's not great.
(BALDWIN walks on stage and whispers in FEY's ear)
FEY AS SELF
'What? The real one? Byeee!'
(FEY walks off stage, passing PALIN as she exits)
GOV. PALIN – 'Thank you. Now I'm not gonna take any of your questions but I do want to take this opportunity to say Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!'
Palin's almost rap number follows:
MEYERS – 'And now, here to clear up some misconceptions about her campaign, Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin.'
GOV. SARAH PALIN – 'Thank you Seth, Amy. And thank you for the chance to come out here. But I've been thinking it over and I'm not going to do the piece we rehearsed.'
MEYERS – 'But you were so good at it.'
GOV. PALIN – 'I know. It was really fun. But my gut is telling me this is a bad idea for the campaign.'
MEYERS – 'Are you sure?'
GOV. PALIN – 'Yes, after a lot of thought. I think it might just cross the line.'
MEYERS – 'Ok, well...in that case, Amy, do you want to do Governor Palin's part instead, Amy?'
POEHLER – 'I guess I could give it a try...'
MEYERS – 'Do you remember it?'
POEHLER – 'I kinda remember it ... (IN HARDCORE RAP DEMEANOR) 1. 2. 3...'
(A Beat kicks in)
'MY NAME IS SARAH PALIN, YOU ALL KNOW ME,
VICE-PREZZY NOMINEE OF THE GOP,
GONNA NEED YOUR VOTE IN THE NEXT ELECTION,
CAN I GET A WHAT-WHAT FROM THE SENIOR SECTION,
MCCAIN GOT EXPERIENCE,
MCCAIN GOT STYLE,
BUT DON'T LET HIM FREAK YOU OUT,
WHEN HE TRIES TO SMILE,
CUZ THAT SMILE BE CREEPY,
BUT WHEN I'M V.P.,
ALL THE LEADERS IN THE WORLD GONNA FINALLY MEET ME,
(FRED ARMISEN & ANDY SAMBERG enter as ESKIMOS)
POEHLER -- (cont'd) HOW'S IT GO ESKIMOS?TELL TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ESKIMOS!HOW YA FEEL ESKIMOS?TELL TELL ME WHAT YOU FEEL ESKIMOS! SAMBERG/ARMISEN -- ESKIMOS!ESKIMOS!ICE COLD!SUPER COLD!
POEHLER –
'I'M JEREMIAH WRIGHT CUZ TONIGHT IM THE PREACHER,
I GOT A BOOKISH LOOK AND YOU'RE ALL HOT FOR TEACHER,
(The camera cuts away to Meyers and Gov. Palin enjoying themselves)
(JASON SUDEIKIS enters as TODD PALIN and stands next to POEHLER)
TODD LOOKING FINE ON HIS SNOW MACHINE,
SO HOT FOR EACH OTHER, NEED A GO-BETWEEN,
IN WASILLA, WE JUST CHILL BABY CHILLA
BUT WHEN I SEE OIL, IT'S...'
ALL -- 'DRILL BABY DRILLA!'
POEHLER –
'MY COUNTRY TIS OF THEE,'
FROM MY PORCH I CAN SEE,
RUSSIA AND SUCH.'
ALL THE MAVERICKS IN THE HOUSE, PUT YOUR HANDS UP,
ALL THE MAVERICKS IN THE HOUSE, PUT YOUR HANDS UP,
ALL THE PLUMBERS IN THE HOUSE, PULL YOUR PANTS UP,
ALL THE PLUMBERS IN THE HOUSE, PULL YOUR PANTS UP,
WHEN I SAY OBAMA,
YOU SAY AYERS,
OBAMA!
SAMBERG/ARMISEN –
'AYERS!'
POEHLER –
'OBAMA!'
SAMBERG/ARMISEN –
'AYERS!'
POEHLER –
'I BUILT ME A BRIDGE AND IT AINT GOING NOWHERE!
OOOOOHHHHHHHH.
MCCAIN/PALIN
GONNA PUT THE NAIL IN
THE COFFIN... OF THE MEDIA ELITE'
SAMBERG/ARMISEN –
'SHE LIKES RED MEAT!'
(A MOOSE ENTERS)
POEHLER –
'SHOOT A MUTHA HUMPIN MOOSE EIGHT DAYS OF THE WEEK,
NOW YOURE DEAD
NOW YOURE DEAD
CUZ I'M AN AMINAL, AND I'M BIGGER THAN YOU
HOLDIN' A SHOTGUN, WORKIN' THE PUMP
Everybody party, we GOING ON A HUNT
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
YO I'M PALIN I'M OUT!
(AMY, SUDEIKIS AND SAMBERG/ARMISEN EXIT AS SNOW FALLS)
MEYERS – 'I think you made the right decision not to do that.'
GOV. PALIN – 'You betcha.'
.